Weeping and Laughing

"Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh."
                                                           ~ Luke 6:21

    Life can be down right scary sometimes. So many things of this world surround us with uncertainty. Sometimes our problem is as small as how will my exam go today? Then there are the much bigger problems like will this be my loved one's last breath? No matter what your problem is, it can bring stress, tears, silence, anxiety and many other problems.
   Yes, these are the times when life is hard, but these are also the times so well needed. When life flows easily along, Christians can get too comfortable. We forget the reason that we woke up breathing this morning was become God allowed us too. The Lord is always by our side, but I know I forget this often. Then my pain comes and I suddenly remember He is there.
     I am so thankful He is always there, even when to my shame I forget. Maybe I am weeping now, but in His goodness, He tells me I will laugh again. Me, the person who wakes up morning after morning, breathing because He let me, and I forget He is always there. Every time I say a bad word, think a mean thought, do an evil deed, God is right there watching sadly, yet when I am sad, He has promised I will laugh again.
     When bad things happen, the struggle of how could a loving God comes into play. How can I really play that card though? I disappoint Him every day with my bad attitudes...my sin, and He still loves me that much to forgive me and constantly unconditionally love me. Though situations may not turn out as I want them too, I stand amazed at the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Just when you think that no hope remains, He gives us some in a way that only He can. His grace is all sufficient, and His love never ending.

What a truly awesome God we serve! I know I certainly do not deserve His compassion for me.

Balance

Balance is one of those things that has never come easy to me. I am clumsy by nature, so things like riding a bike, walking on the little balance beam in gym class and other such things have taken me longer than my peers. Really, it is something to look back and laugh on, but the kind of balance I am really talking about is not so easily acquired.
These college years have been great, but boy have I learned a thing or two about balance. There's homework, Christian service, school activities, work, classes, new friends, the list just goes on and on, but then there's that keeping in touch with those you left behind. I knew coming in that some people were going to move on with their life and we would just lose touch as happened with some childhood friends. It is the wheel of the world so to speak, but I had the list of friends I wanted to remain close with.
Then it happens, career opportunities, college for some, new friends, and the infamous significant other. It just messes the balance of things up all over again. I have struggled with trying to find my place with those special people in my life after the wild shuffle. With some it was a rocky start, but we made it work, with others it was more painful.
Then I start the pity party. I feel bad for myself. Jealousy and bitterness began choking me like a weed. Of course I blamed it on the other party and acted as if I would be fine if only some attention were brought to myself. I finally threw my hands in the air, and said so be it, this is life, I am moving on and not looking back.
This has happened before. People come and people go, life moves on, I find a new balance and everything is okay again. This time things were different. This time I was letting my emotions get the better of me, and I had no peace. Finally the Lord intervened. I know He has been working on me for a long time, but it came to the point where the rubber meets the road.
When I reached the end of the rope, I had a friend who reminded me that the Lord has never given up on me. Sure I turn my back on Him many times....maybe even a day with my sin, yet He still loves me. She was right, I am so glad that the Lord does not give up on me. This stuck with me, and so did the chapel message that day, an e-mail from my aunt, a phone call with another friend and my mom. The Lord spoke and I knew I needed to seek forgiveness. To restore the balance.
I picture myself on a seesaw. Here, I pile things up and I sink lower and lower. All I want is for things to balance out on my terms, but this is not how life works. I need to let go of what I want. Give my burdens to the Lord, and balance will be restored as He sees fit.
Life is not about me, it's about others.My selfish wants weigh me down, but letting go lifts me to the level where I can care about others. So today, though I feel awful with a cold, I felt like a new person. Burdens have been lifted, and the balance is restored. There is still room for healing, but I am no longer weighed down. I look forward to new beginnings and wonderful things to come. :)

Senior Year...What?

So this week I have been reflecting on my college career. It is going by much too fast, and I have finished the first quarter of senior year. Between projects, holidays and breaks, I will be back for second semester student teaching before I know it. God has been so good as always through this semester. He has given me strength to stay diligent and has provided new and exciting opportunities. I am just loving senior year!

As far as student teaching goes, right now I know I will be teaching at Wood County Christian School in the 6th grade - yikes! I always imagined myself teaching 2nd grade or below, but I'll roll with it. Everything else about the experience has been orchestrated so nicely, so I believe that God will be with me for this new challenge. The unknown actually has me quite excited which is much better than stress. I am excited to be living with a family I know of in their loft. The mother of the family works at the school so my ride is provided. I am really looking forward to updating about this experience once it arrives.

School has been amazing like I said. My friend, Sarah, got to come and visit me. It was a short yet wonderful stay. Rooming with Melanie has been a lot of fun. I give her a hard time, but it is nice to have a good friend around. The hardest about leaving for student teaching will be saying goodbye to my church down here. They are wonderful and I will miss them! So many other experiences I could report about if I was better at this whole blogging thing, but oh well.

Right now, I am starting to feel inspired about some upcoming lesson plans and I'm listening to Christmas music of all things. It is a beautiful relaxing feeling, and I can't wait to see where this journey will lead. It's been a wild ride, but I'm thankful for every minute of it.

Acknowledgments

So this summer I was busy reading and writing in preparation for a Literacy class I'll be taking this coming semester. It's hard to believe that senior year has finally arrived. I have been thinking of some thank yous I would love to leave if I had the chance for an acknowledgment page in the children's book I wrote:

To my mama, thank you for being my inspiration! You are such a godly example to me of a Christian wife and mother and if I could be half the teacher you are, I think I will be well off. Your humor keeps me smiling.

To Daddy, thank you for the adventurous trips to and from school and I live for our heart to heart conversations that come up every so often. Nothing beats a good history film to watch with you, and learning more about you through reminiscing your college years have been special.

To Jonathan, thank you for the constant phone calls. Chatting with you bring a smile to my face even on the worse of days. I will always appreciate your Toby Keith and Beach Boy sing alongs. Road trips with you are among my favorites - just watch that road rage.

To Matthew, you are your father's son and I also appreciate you on our college trips. Thanks for being my buddy on some of our summer outings and I don't know where I would be without my personal tech support.

To Me-Mom, thank you so much for your spiritual encouragement. It has helped me more times than I can count over these years. Your letters of love and encouragement arrive when I need them most. Your prayers are also appreciated.

To Aunt Nancy, Aunt Sherry, Aunt Roxanne, Uncle Bunk and family, thank you for your support whether it be financial, encouraging words, phone calls, e-mails or visits. I have been blessed beyond all measure in my family and I look forward to holidays just so I can see you all!

To Kati, my fellow el edder, it is nice to know someone outside of school going through the same thing as I. Thank you for also explaining the football games to me. Your patience is overwhelming.

To Megan, wow, what a ride but I've enjoyed every minute. This past summer has been awesome and I can't wait for the houses to become more than a bike ride. Thank you for my new HP love as well. ;-)

To Kyle, thank you for putting up with me

To my CBC church family, thank you for the constant love and prayers and amazing care packages over the years. I love coming home to you all.

To Regina, thank you for work and for being an awesome person. I have made a lot of good memories these past 3 years, and you are in a lot of them.

To Sarai and Emily, thank you thank thank you for being world's best illustrators. This book would not be possible without you and you are both amazing. I am so thankful for our many memories this summer. You are the voice....

So many others I could thank for making these college years special especially me roommates, Anna, Kelly, Bethanna and Melanie, my college friends, my BRBC church family and our staff at school. What an awesome ride, and I cannot wait to see what senior year holds.

How can one girl be so blessed? Thank you to my Heavenly Father for leading me this way and for providing so many ways of encouragement and wonderful people in my life.

Junior Year

So in honor of my junior year coming to a close, I thought I would recap on all of God's blessings through this year. Looking back, it is really amazing on how well this year really did turn out. Background - from second semester freshmen all the way through sophomore year, I had 3 close friends I spent time with. One of them was my roommate sophomore year. I learned throughout the course of the year that my roommate would not be returning to ABC, one friend was going to Israel and the other spent the past year in Israel. My third friend would be busy with her senior year, and due to some of my own misunderstandings, there was a regrettable rift between us.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to returning to school this year. I didn't know who my roommate would be, what friends I would have, and there were many classes I was dreading. Several people wished me blessings and prayed I would have the best year ever, but I was not convinced that was even a possibility. This is of course, a sad testimony for a child of God, for with Him all things are possible. This has probably been my best year of college ever.

Now I do have one disclaimer, I did miss having my 3 friends here, and I have some wonderful memories with them that cannot be replaced, but in all other areas, junior year has been the bomb! It is so amazing to see God's hand in every single detail. It was truly a blessing to experience His awesome power these past 2 semesters.

First, the roommate situation had me terrified. I had no idea what to expect and I had many similar feelings I experienced coming to freshmen year. It turned out I knew my roommate ahead of time, well at least who she was. I still had some reservations as she seemed much more mature than myself. Well let me tell you what, do not judge a book by its cover. Bethanna has been such a blessing. She is also in elementary education, and she had the rare opportunity to stay in the dorm during student teaching. I learned so much from her this year, and I feel like I have gained a friend. God worked it out so nicely, and we have told each other so many times. I am so thankful for my wonderful roomie and I shall miss her next year.

That brings me to the issue of next year's roommate, Melanie. She is my friend who spent the year in Israel. Yes, an ocean and time zone separated us, but in God's sovereignty, it brought us closer together. Even though Melanie was not physically present during the hard times, I would send her e-mails about my day and it made me feel better, She always knew what to say, and it was amazing to hear about her own experiences in Israel. We are both excited about rooming together next year, and learning more about our God. He used this to teach both of us so much. I was also able to mend a broken friendship. Well I didn't do the mending, God did. My roomie from last year has also been a blessing. Through phone calls and getting together over breaks, the Lord has blessed me through another friendship.

Classes this year have been amazing. I have really enjoyed my teaching method classes. The observations, lesson plans and projects are sometimes overwhelming, but I have learned so much through them. I am starting to experience a little anxiety about next year's student teaching, but I really do love it. The Lord has also given me a peace this year that kept me from getting to stressed out. I also have developed many new friendships this year that have proved a blessing.

I have also learned many life lessons about forgiveness, letting go of the past and giving God control. There are so many more things I could share about this wonderful school year, but I pray this is testimony enough. God is so great and without Him, I am nothing. I do not need things to go my way because His ways are better than mine. What an awesome God we serve!

The Weed

I really like the song "Rocks in Your Shoes" by Emily West. The line that gets me every time goes something like this..."bitter's like a weed, if you let it grow, it's going to choke you up somewhere down the road, to get where your going there's only one thing to do, you gotta learn to walk with rocks in your shoes."

How true this is. So often I find myself harboring bitter resentments and ideas towards different people and things. When I finally let go, I enjoy life so much more. It is never any fun when bitterness takes control. All it does is make me miserable. It is not always easy to forgive and forget, but it can be so worth it. There are some people and some things that I can never change. One thing I must remember about people is that God loves them. He have them their personality and He gave me mine. I must learn to deal with that. All bitterness is going to do is choke me up and cause me to sin.

So many Christians get caught up in their own agendas. When we don't get our way, we pout and cause more problems. This week in chapel, I heard some messages on James 3. The tongue can cause so much damage and as Christians, we must control it. So next time, take a walk with rocks in your shoes. Sometimes it is hard to suck it up, but throwing the rocks back at people will not make anything better.

Remember, "you can get a little down or get a little mad, but when there is stones in the road, there is only one thing to do, you gotta learn to walk with rocks in your shoes!"

A Safe Ship

So it has been a while since I last posted, partly because my site was blocked for a little while. No matter, I sent in a site review request, and here I am. Another reason is sometimes it takes a while to decide what to write on here. However, I have been contemplating something of late.

First of all, let me start out by saying that I had an awesome spring break while I was home at the beginning of March. It is always good to see family and friends. I also got an exciting opportunity to observe and teach in my mom's kindergarten classroom. I loved every minute of it. Another place I love to be is my home church. My church family is amazing and once again I received a college care package to return to school with.

In this box, I received a nice little booklet like thing called "God's Promises for a Woman's Heart." I enjoy reading the different Bible verses and quotes as I flip it over each day. One in particular has stuck with me. A quote from John A. Shedd which reads, "A ship in harbor is safe...but that is not what ships are for." The Bible verse to go along with it was 2 Chronicles 20:15, "Do not be afraid....for the battle is not yours, but God's."

What an excellent reminder for this stage in life. How easy it becomes to make the safe choice and stay put. I will soon be a senior in college and will face life decisions. I could always go back home, and beg and plead to stay with my parents and work whatever job I can, or I can be open to other possibilities. Perhaps God's will for my life is to return home and work a job, and this would be fine for me....but maybe He has other plans.

Whatever the case may be, I know the Lord is on my side. I do not want to be the ship who sits idly in the harbor until time passes me into a useless vessel, I want to be a fierce vessel on the sea that accomplishes the missions I was destined for. Sure, there may be storms, but God will sustain. Who is to say that trouble will not come across the harbor anyway.

I am not completely ready to make any major life decisions at this moment, but when the time comes, I pray that I will be ready to leave the harbor. After all, the battle is God's, so why worry! :)